Our Nanny Ad

I will be posting this on craigslist.

I will post any responses i get:

A young professional couple is seeking a nanny to become a “part of the family”. Candidate must have own means of transportation and clean criminal history.

Duties will blocked into 3 different time periods:

These are as follows:

Immediately (within the next 2 weeks) until the child’s birth (approx. 5 months):

This will entail watching the child during normal business hours. The mother is an Elementary Teacher at a local school, so this would require accompanying her to the classroom each day, and basically just “watching” her belly for any activity or suspicious movements.

Seeing that the candidate will have few duties during these first months, pay for this period will be very minimal (negotiable), but it has been cleared with the school administration that this person would be allowed to eat any snacks left by the other children, so meals during the day will be covered (most of her kids are pretty fat and bring a pretty nice spread).

-Duties will also include singing a catalog of the mother’s favorite children’s and easy listening songs to the baby, so a good singing voice and stage presence is a must (please provide a sample of you performing “In the air tonight” by Phil Collins in either MP3 or .wvm audio file format (other songs could be included if you have any that you feel you perform well).

-Father will require modest amounts of reassuring that he will be a good dad.

-Any attempt by friends, family, or others to provided unwarranted parental advice must be dealt with immediately and will a firm hand (any subsequent legal costs due to your actions will be paid by the parents, but that debt must be worked off).

-Minimal amounts of housekeeping during this period.

Child Birth until Mother returns to School (2-3 months in duration)

-Feed and water the child.

-All diaper changing duties.

-Ensure that all shows are DVR’ed (this includes: Walking Dead, Honey Boo-Boo, Kim and Kourtney take Miami and Homeland).

-We have a large cat that has an affinity for sleeping on faces. You will need to provide yours, as to leave the baby’s unoccupied.

-Medium to large amounts of housekeeping duties (which includes cleaning kitty litter for previously mentioned cat, and he takes dumps like a grown man, so please be prepared).

-Possible shopping responsibilities (beers runs to full blown shopping sprees should be considered possibilities).

-Light masonry and drywall finishing skills a plus.

-The father has been listening to the “Game of Thrones” audio book during his commute. During this time period away from work, you would be responsible for reading the book aloud to him for approx. 15-20 mins each evening. The book will be provided. (The audio book speaker uses different voices with a semi-British type accent. You will be expected to listen to it to try to mimic the same voices, so there is little confusion when you take over)

-Teaching skills are also highly valuable. We would like our child to be able to speak if not by the time we return to work, then shortly thereafter. This will be to both hear about what he/she did while we were gone, but also to report back to us on your performance, and your pay will be based weekly upon the child’s rating of his experience with you.

3 Months until 18 years of age or your death, whichever comes sooner (please provided estimated year of your demise, and factors that you considered in your estimate (i.e are you a smoker, are you a fatty, ect.))

 We are really looking for someone to teach our child family values throughout it’s life, these include, but are not limited to:

-Table manners

-The golden rule

-Jazz and R&B Dance moves (only standard, not advanced)

-Skateboarding

-Kissing (w and w/o tongue)

-How to cut a cigar

-How to start a fire with old man’s beard

-How to change a tire

-Building forts

-How to make a martini

-Craps

-How to make love to a woman (this will be required whether our child is a boy or a girl)

-How to put down an injured moose

During the high school years you will be responsible for attending sporting events and such, so please provide your schedule for weeknights during the school year from the years 2026-2030 (only events that would not be able to be changed)

Most of this we can figure out in the first few years

Most importantly we are looking for someone that we are comfortable with, and is comfortable with us (not fart in front of us comfortable, just content enough that they won’t rat us out)

We have a large home, with plenty of room, so the “live-in” option could be a possibility. You would be required to provide a photo for consideration for this, and would be required to promise not to touch my stuff.

Any interested parties, please respond ASAP to set up an appointment.