Bucket Lists are for Boring People

Remember when no one knew what a “bucket list” was…

That was a much better time in human history, like before everyone on earth started describing normal daily events as “epic”. (Can you imagine if when you were in high school reading (or pretending to read) the Odyssey, your teacher told you “this is an Epic Poem… in the future, young people will use this to describe parties, movies, people failing (which they will also use incorrectly) and every other thing that happens”. Younger you would have asked… “Wait… What? Why???”  The answer of course, is... “No one knows why “younger you”… No one knows…people are just dumb”)

But then,  Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson were in that movie about two old guys wanting to ride a tandem bike together before they die (I actually have no idea what they did, I didn’t see the movie) and now everyone says “Oooooohhh… That there.. that’s on my bucket list” about some obscure outrageous thing.  They will probably never do that thing, and it will not make them a better, happier person even if they do it… So for all the good intentions that Jack and “MoFree” (that’s what I call him) had, what resulted is an entire generation of people, when while on their death bed are not happy about how fun their actual life was, they are regretful that they never shot a kangaroo with an Aboriginal blow gun in the outback of Australia.

So in that vein, this will be the first in a line of entries that is actual advice to Cletus (that is what we started calling our yet unborn baby, at the recommendation insistence of Trish Dobbs. “You know what you should call him… Cletus… Ya know… Cletus the Fetus”… the name stuck against our wishes and with many tears and much disappointment without us trying that hard).

So Cleet… read this when you are old enough (we learned in baby class that a child should be reading at the age of 2-4 months, so I will have to help you through your first few weeks of life to get things done if an opportunities  arise).  Here is a list of ten things that if you accomplish EACH YEAR, will make your entire life happier and not leave you, old and gray, regretful that you didn’t make time to do something stupid once.

A lot of this I am going to have to help you with until you are 7 or 8, which I think will provide a lot of good father/son bonding time.

Things to do this year

·         Attempt to go into 5 places where the average guy is not “allowed” to go (observation decks in tall buildings, members only bars at airports and such, areas on tours of museums and old houses where the guides don’t go. Don’t do anything wrong, just go there to see what all the hubbub is about). You must actually make it into at least 50% of the areas without being kicked out

·         Find a farm that has llamas, go there after dark with your friends (or your best gal), turn your vehicle so you lights are on them… and just watch them… it is comedy gold

·         Watch the Jimmy V’s ESPY speech. Openly cry. If anyone laughs at you, kick them out of your house and write them off as a friend (if we are at home, I will assist you if needed).

·         Buy a round of beers for a group of people you don’t know (this will seem very difficult at first. There are not a lot of people that will accept a beer from a young child. Don’t let that discourage you… If you get this done, you will meet a diverse and interesting group of new friends)

·         Cut down your own Christmas tree, no matter how silly it looks, you will remember cutting it down with vivid detail. (If anyone laughs at it, kick them out of your house and write them off as a friend (if we are at home, I will assist you if needed).

·         Consume one McRib sandwich (important note: one, and only one in a 12 month period, it is like servings of fish from the St. Lawrence river, if you eat more than that you will not make it to the rest of the list)

·         Dress up in a professional grade costume for an event other than Halloween (you can make up your own event if you want. Uncle Leighton did as a part of an elaborate Bigfoot hoax. Best year of his life…)

·         Go into a bar and convince strangers that you have done some random thing of very great consequence. You get extra credit if it is a bar where you are known by the bartenders and regulars (I once convinced a large group of people at Prepps that I was the inventor of the “Uncrustable” sandwich).

·         Get at least 5 people to do the following:  See something you have done, lean back, sigh, and with wide eyes say one of the following things “Dude… that is just too much (a) bacon (b) cheese (c) fire

·         Make a group of people laugh by saying something that later on, while they are lying in bed, they wish they hadn’t laughed at and feel bad about themselves for doing so.

 

Memorable “once in a lifetime” events are all fine and good, if you are in to that sort of thing. Climbing Mount Everest and swimming with sharks and crap like that will give you one or two good stories…

But if you live your life in such a way that on a random Tuesday, you can get a text out of the blue asking “Hey, you own a full gorilla costume right” and you can not only answer “yes”,  but you can answer “Yes, I’m on my way” without ever asking why, you will have more stories..

And in the end, the one who can talk the longest wins…