Father Son Time

I have learned one thing (and only one thing) in the short time that I have been a father. And that thing is that your relationship is going to be built on a foundation of the time that you two spend together alone. Not the “father/son time” events glamorized and cheapened on TV. It isn’t the fishing together, or going to a Yankees game, or hiding a body together, it is the short little segments when you two are in one room, and mom is in the other.

Like last night, when I walked in the door and took Dex up to change his diaper. It was the first I was seeing him for the day. I got up into his room, laid him in his crib so I could put on my hazmat suit, and looked down upon him… and lovingly said “Dude… What the hell are you wearing? You look like Mr. Rogers gay brother… You are Chauncey Rogers, very flamboyant but also respectful in that you always change your shoes when you come into the house”… He may have not understood all of my words, but he understood the message.

 

We have a lot of such exchanges with me standing over his crib. One of the weirdest things that he does, and does on a regular basis, is look up on me with an expression that would make you swear he is about to say something like an adult. Like in “The Butterfly Effect” when Ashton Kutcher goes back in time to when he is a kid, but talks like an adult.

My brother always thinks that Archie the cat looks at him in this way. That he is watching, judging, and waiting to report back to me. I thought he was crazy, until I saw this look on Declan’s face. A few days ago I was going on about 35 minutes of trying to get his foot into his pant leg. I was concentrating so hard when his little hand reached down, and grabbed my forearm as someone would to say “calm down. Relax. Its going to be ok” Just the way he touch my arm shocked me and I looked at him, and he had the same look on his face. I swore he was going to say something. He looked like Jesus and Yoda were both about to speak to me through him. Kali walked by just in time to see me looking down, and asking “What is it… what do you have to tell me??? Ready to hear you, I am…”

But even though these good times are important, just as important are your actions when things are tougher.  When your patience is tested or when your hopes are high and you have a sense of security, just to have the carpet yanked from underneath you.

Last night for example. After about a half hour of playing “hop on pop”, then walking around, then rocking, he finally rested his head on my shoulder and fell asleep. It only took 30 minutes, but 30 minutes of a child crying is like 4 days of silence.  I thought to myself, as he gently snored on my neck… “You know… as frustrating as it was just minutes ago when he was wailing for no real reason, it isn’t that bad. And how can I possibly complain or be frustrated, Kali does this every night… plus… it was only a few minutes… and now, he is so calm… everything is just fi….”

Dex’s head shot up out of a dead sleep, he burped like Barney from the Simpsons, and projectile vomited down the front of my shirt. The inside of the front of my shirt. Kali heard my primal groan of anguish, and came into the room and said “want me to take him?”

“No” I replied through clenched teeth

She said “Oh, there is some spit-up on his blanket, let me get you a new one”

“There is puke in my belly button”

Horrified. Confused. Internally giggling I am sure. She said “ummm what”

“He puked… IN MY BELLY BUTTON”

As I set him on the floor in front on me on his pillow deal, I explained how he vomited directly on my throat, with such force and volume that it immediately traveled under my shirt, down my big belly, and puddled IN my belly button. All warm… and slippery…and milky smelling…

When I pulled my shirt off my head I looked down at him… he was grinning back up at me… Not because he had just set me up to give someone a vanilla shake body shot, but because now he wasn’t thinking about his stomach hurting, and he realized it was me… That or he had waited 4 hours and finally got me back to calling him Mr. Rogers gay brother, and it was worth the wait. Either way, it is impossible to be mad looking at his goofy slobbery toothless grin.

 

I hope the fact that I could see the humor in it and laugh it off, is something that he will learn (when I puke on him in the future).

They Will Steal Your Baby's Breath

We have all heard the stories…

“Don’t leave them alone with your baby unattended, they will get in the crib and suffocate you child”

It is something that Kali and I have talked about a lot. We even thought about getting a net to prevent it, or throwing a sheet of ¾” plywood on the crib. That would actually be a fairly cheap fix; I have an old sheet next to the garage that we stack our firewood on. I would just have to spray the mud and spiders off it.

But it is an actual concern for us, being that we have a couple roaming around our house, that want to be right next to you every second, especially when we are sleeping.

There are a few different stories out there.

“They will sleep on your babies face because of the warmth.”

”They will purposely smother your baby because they hate it, and they want all the attention”

(this was actually something that our friends previously had to worry about when I came over, until Cletus came along of course).

And the one that sounds the most likely to me;

“They are trying to steal your baby’s breath”

I am for course… talking about Gingers…

I’ve heard similar type stories about cats, but those seem a little far fetched to me. Plus, Arch wouldn’t want to get in the crib, nor could he get in it even if he wanted to.

 

Gingers on the other hand… the thought terrifies me.

There is one that lives in our area (thank god that there is a registry now where you can look up predators in your neighborhood). He has a baby of his own…To my knowledge; he has not attempted to steal its breath yet.

But vampires don’t prey on their young either… Luis wasn’t silently biding his time until Lestat went to the store, so he could pounce on Kirsten Dunst (And let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to pounce on Kirsten Dunst).

It almost seems like the Ginger and his ginglet are bonding over the idea of getting their hands on Cletus. They look… They smile… They wait…

 

We are even more fearful after an incident this past weekend… And don't get me wrong, I don’t blame Little Ginger for losing control, he is just a baby… but he went after Cletus.. Viciously… Right in front of us….

 

Shocking I know

I guess we will just wait and be vigilant. And leave the blinds wide open in the nursery, and hope the sun is protection enough to keep our baby safe.

Bucket Lists are for Boring People

Remember when no one knew what a “bucket list” was…

That was a much better time in human history, like before everyone on earth started describing normal daily events as “epic”. (Can you imagine if when you were in high school reading (or pretending to read) the Odyssey, your teacher told you “this is an Epic Poem… in the future, young people will use this to describe parties, movies, people failing (which they will also use incorrectly) and every other thing that happens”. Younger you would have asked… “Wait… What? Why???”  The answer of course, is... “No one knows why “younger you”… No one knows…people are just dumb”)

But then,  Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson were in that movie about two old guys wanting to ride a tandem bike together before they die (I actually have no idea what they did, I didn’t see the movie) and now everyone says “Oooooohhh… That there.. that’s on my bucket list” about some obscure outrageous thing.  They will probably never do that thing, and it will not make them a better, happier person even if they do it… So for all the good intentions that Jack and “MoFree” (that’s what I call him) had, what resulted is an entire generation of people, when while on their death bed are not happy about how fun their actual life was, they are regretful that they never shot a kangaroo with an Aboriginal blow gun in the outback of Australia.

So in that vein, this will be the first in a line of entries that is actual advice to Cletus (that is what we started calling our yet unborn baby, at the recommendation insistence of Trish Dobbs. “You know what you should call him… Cletus… Ya know… Cletus the Fetus”… the name stuck against our wishes and with many tears and much disappointment without us trying that hard).

So Cleet… read this when you are old enough (we learned in baby class that a child should be reading at the age of 2-4 months, so I will have to help you through your first few weeks of life to get things done if an opportunities  arise).  Here is a list of ten things that if you accomplish EACH YEAR, will make your entire life happier and not leave you, old and gray, regretful that you didn’t make time to do something stupid once.

A lot of this I am going to have to help you with until you are 7 or 8, which I think will provide a lot of good father/son bonding time.

Things to do this year

·         Attempt to go into 5 places where the average guy is not “allowed” to go (observation decks in tall buildings, members only bars at airports and such, areas on tours of museums and old houses where the guides don’t go. Don’t do anything wrong, just go there to see what all the hubbub is about). You must actually make it into at least 50% of the areas without being kicked out

·         Find a farm that has llamas, go there after dark with your friends (or your best gal), turn your vehicle so you lights are on them… and just watch them… it is comedy gold

·         Watch the Jimmy V’s ESPY speech. Openly cry. If anyone laughs at you, kick them out of your house and write them off as a friend (if we are at home, I will assist you if needed).

·         Buy a round of beers for a group of people you don’t know (this will seem very difficult at first. There are not a lot of people that will accept a beer from a young child. Don’t let that discourage you… If you get this done, you will meet a diverse and interesting group of new friends)

·         Cut down your own Christmas tree, no matter how silly it looks, you will remember cutting it down with vivid detail. (If anyone laughs at it, kick them out of your house and write them off as a friend (if we are at home, I will assist you if needed).

·         Consume one McRib sandwich (important note: one, and only one in a 12 month period, it is like servings of fish from the St. Lawrence river, if you eat more than that you will not make it to the rest of the list)

·         Dress up in a professional grade costume for an event other than Halloween (you can make up your own event if you want. Uncle Leighton did as a part of an elaborate Bigfoot hoax. Best year of his life…)

·         Go into a bar and convince strangers that you have done some random thing of very great consequence. You get extra credit if it is a bar where you are known by the bartenders and regulars (I once convinced a large group of people at Prepps that I was the inventor of the “Uncrustable” sandwich).

·         Get at least 5 people to do the following:  See something you have done, lean back, sigh, and with wide eyes say one of the following things “Dude… that is just too much (a) bacon (b) cheese (c) fire

·         Make a group of people laugh by saying something that later on, while they are lying in bed, they wish they hadn’t laughed at and feel bad about themselves for doing so.

 

Memorable “once in a lifetime” events are all fine and good, if you are in to that sort of thing. Climbing Mount Everest and swimming with sharks and crap like that will give you one or two good stories…

But if you live your life in such a way that on a random Tuesday, you can get a text out of the blue asking “Hey, you own a full gorilla costume right” and you can not only answer “yes”,  but you can answer “Yes, I’m on my way” without ever asking why, you will have more stories..

And in the end, the one who can talk the longest wins…

“Baby Class” Journal Entries:

June 2^nd (day before first class)

We are very excited for these classes. We have so many questions… Like “when washing your baby, should you use the “pots and pans” setting, and what detergent is recommended to avoid spots” and “I know they recommend that you don’t shake your baby, but they seem to always show a picture of a baby that has already been born? Is it ok to shake the baby when it is still in Kali’s stomach? Because if not… well that just seems unfair… who can I still shake in this family?”

June 3^rd (Just after first class)

I was lied to. I don’t know if Kali was involved in this deception. Shaking her is apparently definitely out for the time being, so I don’t know how I will get to the truth… But this is not a class on what to expect when we get closer to D-Day, this is a weekly “Movie Club” where we watch slasher films… why did we sign up for this????

June 10^th (right before second class)

Maybe the first class was a fluke. Either way, it can’t be any worse than what we were forced to watch last week.  

June 10^th (During second class)

Oh…… MY……..GOD…………..

June 11^th (Just after second class)

What just happened….

Why was the nurse drinking a strawberry coolatta during all of that? Was it just to mess with us?

We will surly break soon… is that what they want? If we scream “uncle” or puke on the floor and each other will they let us stop?

 Have we already gone farther than any other group???

June 17^th (Just after third class)

Tonight we watched the opening scene from “Saving Private Ryan”, the nurse said that it was close enough to what we could expect in the delivery room. 

I began to ask questions, to try to get relief from the carnage.

 I got some answers, but not the ones that I wanted:

Apparently you cannot legally swap babies with other parents in the hospital, if you find one that you like better than yours (even if the other parents agree that they like yours better).

I was only given the opportunity to ask one question before the Q&A portion of the class was brought to an end…

June 18^th (Morning after third class)

Half the classes are behind us…

I am so filled with fear and trepidation about what awaits us in the three remaining sessions…

The only way that this can get worse is if we are forced to play “think ball” with an actual fresh placenta. I just know that we are going to walk in and there is going to be sheets of clear plastic covering the tables and carpet…

My will is breaking…

I am going to go find something to shake…..

Our Nanny Ad

I will be posting this on craigslist.

I will post any responses i get:

A young professional couple is seeking a nanny to become a “part of the family”. Candidate must have own means of transportation and clean criminal history.

Duties will blocked into 3 different time periods:

These are as follows:

Immediately (within the next 2 weeks) until the child’s birth (approx. 5 months):

This will entail watching the child during normal business hours. The mother is an Elementary Teacher at a local school, so this would require accompanying her to the classroom each day, and basically just “watching” her belly for any activity or suspicious movements.

Seeing that the candidate will have few duties during these first months, pay for this period will be very minimal (negotiable), but it has been cleared with the school administration that this person would be allowed to eat any snacks left by the other children, so meals during the day will be covered (most of her kids are pretty fat and bring a pretty nice spread).

-Duties will also include singing a catalog of the mother’s favorite children’s and easy listening songs to the baby, so a good singing voice and stage presence is a must (please provide a sample of you performing “In the air tonight” by Phil Collins in either MP3 or .wvm audio file format (other songs could be included if you have any that you feel you perform well).

-Father will require modest amounts of reassuring that he will be a good dad.

-Any attempt by friends, family, or others to provided unwarranted parental advice must be dealt with immediately and will a firm hand (any subsequent legal costs due to your actions will be paid by the parents, but that debt must be worked off).

-Minimal amounts of housekeeping during this period.

Child Birth until Mother returns to School (2-3 months in duration)

-Feed and water the child.

-All diaper changing duties.

-Ensure that all shows are DVR’ed (this includes: Walking Dead, Honey Boo-Boo, Kim and Kourtney take Miami and Homeland).

-We have a large cat that has an affinity for sleeping on faces. You will need to provide yours, as to leave the baby’s unoccupied.

-Medium to large amounts of housekeeping duties (which includes cleaning kitty litter for previously mentioned cat, and he takes dumps like a grown man, so please be prepared).

-Possible shopping responsibilities (beers runs to full blown shopping sprees should be considered possibilities).

-Light masonry and drywall finishing skills a plus.

-The father has been listening to the “Game of Thrones” audio book during his commute. During this time period away from work, you would be responsible for reading the book aloud to him for approx. 15-20 mins each evening. The book will be provided. (The audio book speaker uses different voices with a semi-British type accent. You will be expected to listen to it to try to mimic the same voices, so there is little confusion when you take over)

-Teaching skills are also highly valuable. We would like our child to be able to speak if not by the time we return to work, then shortly thereafter. This will be to both hear about what he/she did while we were gone, but also to report back to us on your performance, and your pay will be based weekly upon the child’s rating of his experience with you.

3 Months until 18 years of age or your death, whichever comes sooner (please provided estimated year of your demise, and factors that you considered in your estimate (i.e are you a smoker, are you a fatty, ect.))

 We are really looking for someone to teach our child family values throughout it’s life, these include, but are not limited to:

-Table manners

-The golden rule

-Jazz and R&B Dance moves (only standard, not advanced)

-Skateboarding

-Kissing (w and w/o tongue)

-How to cut a cigar

-How to start a fire with old man’s beard

-How to change a tire

-Building forts

-How to make a martini

-Craps

-How to make love to a woman (this will be required whether our child is a boy or a girl)

-How to put down an injured moose

During the high school years you will be responsible for attending sporting events and such, so please provide your schedule for weeknights during the school year from the years 2026-2030 (only events that would not be able to be changed)

Most of this we can figure out in the first few years

Most importantly we are looking for someone that we are comfortable with, and is comfortable with us (not fart in front of us comfortable, just content enough that they won’t rat us out)

We have a large home, with plenty of room, so the “live-in” option could be a possibility. You would be required to provide a photo for consideration for this, and would be required to promise not to touch my stuff.

Any interested parties, please respond ASAP to set up an appointment.

Mission Statement....

I hope that this will someday be memoir that I can share with my son (or hide from my daughter). We will see how it goes, and how far into the darkness that it regresses.

But, to get the ball rolling, I intend to just share the little bits of wisdom that I pick up.

The only real advice that I have gotten so far has come from a co-worker:

“You know why you hear so often “Never shake a baby??? Because people want too… You never see a poster telling you to not stick your hand in a George Foreman grill, cause nobody WANTS to do that…”

He is right.. if you type into Google “Never Shake” it doesn't autocorrect to “Never Shake a can of soda”

There is even a website dedicated to it. 

The following is taken from that website :

“The Kiwanis Club of Ottawa has produced a video, Never shake a baby! What parents and caregivers need to know.” 

Really, what more to the subject is there than that? I am picturing an expecting parent from an Ottawa suburb, raising his hand at the end of the movie showing:

“Now… I'm not 100% confident…. When is it acceptable to shake my baby???? What??? Never???? Bullsh@#!!!” and then flipping the table and running out of the Kiwanis Club, getting on his Zamboni, and speeding off.

So I have gotten one concept committed to memory thus far..

As good a place to start as any I guess……